First post! Cheers!
I cannot tell you how huge a pressure this is for my anxious self. A sad start to my first post, I agree (you sure know how to lighten things up, Niks!) Though I know that I am doing this for myself and that someone else’s opinion of me will not (read: should not) change who I am, I cannot help but feel a humongous lump of anxiety gnawing its way into my stomach! Because I really do not know how to do this. And I do not know if I will ever match your expectations (read: my own unreasonable expectations!). But, that has never stopped me from doing what I want! So, here goes nothing!
A memory
I recently went on a trip to Pondicherry with a cousin/friend/hostel mate of mine and her friends. I haven’t been on a trip for a long time now. The last one that I can remember was one with my family when we went to Coorg a few years ago. So, a trip was long overdue. But there were a lot of things that bothered me before the start of the trip. I had recently quit my well-paying 9-to-5 job for the sake of my crumbling mental health. Being someone who attributes worth (to myself, never others!) to being productive, this resignation was a heavy blow. Let us not get into the details of it now for it is a very sensitive topic at the moment. In conclusion, I was not sure if spending money when there was no money flowing into the bank was a good idea! Nevertheless, I went on the trip and I can tell you this now. I had the best time of my life!
I like to believe that I am a very organized person (Monica Geller’s twin maybe?). One who does things only with plans. One who panics just at the thought of a plan of hers breaking. Not a great way to live, I know! But, that’s just who I am. I need to know that I can control (a little bit, at least) what is happening to me. You would be surprised to know that a lot of these things somehow changed while on the trip. I dealt with instances that would have given me a stroke if I were my earlier self. And dealt with charm and coolness, might I add! I was surprised at how I was being carefree and just living in the moment (words I could never relate to earlier). I kept reminding my panicky friend (thank god for people like me!) and myself that no judgmental and harshly-critical eye is going to keep notes on how this goes. And that we can solve our crises in our own time, way, and pace. To think I really did believe what I said! I am extremely proud of myself for being whoever I was during that trip. I am also proud of myself for putting my best efforts into still being that person. Too much self-love? There is no such thing, dear friend!
A book
Oh William, by Elizabeth Strout
Oh, friend! What a journey this book has been. I enjoyed every bit of it. This must be the first time that I savored a book, morsel by morsel. It would be an understatement to say it is a beautifully written book. The book revolves around Lucy Barton and her first husband, William. Marriage - what a strange, weird, and yet an astonishing establishment! How one would willingly submit to being exposed to another individual completely is beyond me. You never fully know what goes on in the other person’s mind, no matter how close you think your relationship is. It is a mystery, is it not? It is so beautiful and terrifying at the same time, when you think you know everything there is to know about a person only to keep wondering who that person really is behind all the pretense we put up in the name of living a life.
Lucy is a very relatable character for me. One main reason for this is how she feels invisible at most times. How she feels that everyone else knows what they are doing except for her. How she is afraid of things not familiar to her.
I have always thought that if there was a big corkboard and on that board was a pin for every person who ever lived, there would be no pin for me. I feel invisible, is what I mean.
Lucy gets how people feel. She has a kind and empathetic spirit. Strout sure has a way of making you love Lucy.
People are lonely, is my point here. Many people can’t say to those they know well what it is they feel they might want to say.
How effing beautiful was that?
While Lucy was like a peep in the mirror, William on the other hand, was a very difficult character for me to wrap my head around. Mostly because he is a man. And men are difficult to understand (for me, I mean!)! The constraints society places on them. The constraints they place on themselves. William made me wonder how men feel when they are expected to remain closed all the time. Of how they might feel when glimpses of their true self slip out without permission.
Lucy also talks about her last husband, David. They had so much in common. Neither of them had been raised with the outside culture of the world, Lucy says. And that commonality helps build a very non-judgmental, supportive relationship, I think. It was heartwarming to read about their time together. I kind of wished the book was Oh David, and not Oh William!
It is hard to describe what it is like when one is raised in such isolation from the outside world. So we became each other’s home. But we - both of us felt this way - we felt that we were perched like birds on a telephone wire in New York City.
William has a lot of layers to him. It is beautiful how Strout peels the onion that is William! I was so frustrated with him at times that I wanted to punch him (urghhhhhhh). Yet, I was so touched by how deeply he feels. William made me wonder how we live with all the mistakes we have committed. How we live with the knowledge that there will be many more mistakes along the way.
In conclusion, this is a magnificent book. A great experience. I strongly urge you to read it. I am 100% sure you will love it.
But when I think Oh William!, don’t I mean Oh Lucy! too? Don’t I mean Oh Everyone, Oh dear Everybody in this whole wide world, we do not know anybody, not even ourselves. Except for a little tiny, tiny bit we do.
A song
This is a song that comforts me a little during my anxious moments. I genuinely hope it helps you!
That’s it! I think I am done with my first post. Have you heard anyone write like that about their ending lines for a post? Haha!
I am aware that I am a precious goofball. I hope you know that you are one too.
Until next time, dear friends.
Panda hugs and love,
Nikhila.
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Comfort human on comfort club!!!
You could actually start a podcast ma'am 🫂💗
keep writing and btw photos are good.